But God! I Am Special!

By Deb DeArmond

“You, right there. The lady in the polka dots. Please stand.” An unbelievable rush of adrenaline and excitement raced to my heart as I found my way to my feet.

A conference of 3000+ women were experiencing a time of prophetic ministry. The leaders had opened the session with an overview of what we should expect. “The intent of each word spoken here today is to encourage and exhort. Please know that the Lord has specific words for each of us daily. Given the limitations of time, we will be diligent to deliver those God directs in this assembly. Know too, that a word given to another may apply to you as well. Receive it if the Spirit of God speaks to you. He is the greatest multi-tasker!”

I had prayed that morning as I was getting ready, “Oh dear Father. I believe you are setting a new desire in my heart. It’s wonderful and scary all at the same time. Please, let me hear from you today. I just need to know that this is from you – that I’ve heard you clearly and am on the right path. And I need your encouragement that I can do this scary, wonderful thing you’ve placed before me.” I knew the chances were great that 3,000 other similar prayers had gone before Him that morning.

So with the request to stand, I felt special. I had been chosen, selected. God had singled me out to hear from Him. And then she spoke.

“What I heard from the Lord for you was “draw near.” Draw near.  When we look at a screen, we see a projected image.  And that’s a manmade image. God says draw near and look only at me.  Don’t look at the manmade image. Draw near to my holiness, draw near to me and you’re going to be changed from the inside out as you draw near. But the distraction is drawing you away. And the Lord is saying bring your eyes back to me, and just focus on me cause I’m doing it.”
 

Whoa. I did not see that coming. “Draw near? I’m distracted?” I’ve never felt more focused!! “I’m drawn away by something manmade?” I don’t think so. And where was the traditional scripture associated with a prophetic word??

It was not what I expected and it was NOT what I had hoped for. I sat down and immediately felt a hurricane of emotions flood over me. The tears came rushing up almost immediately as I took my seat. My two closest friends flanked me on either side. Neither looked at me.

I picked up my notepad and began furiously scribbling down as much of what had been spoken over me as I could recall. My friend, Cindy, handed me a sheet of paper where she had captured nearly all that had been said. “Yep”, I thought, as I reviewed her notes. I heard it right.

“She missed it,” I thought to myself. “Or at the very least, she stopped short of all that God wanted to say.” But the Holy Spirit spoke quickly to me, directing me to record my thoughts, and to make a decision about what I had heard. “This really does not feel like encouragement or exhortation. It feels like rebuke, correction. What I was hoping for would have been very different: “You are called, daughter. You have clearly heard me and my direction. You will have influence in the kingdom. You will touch many lives.” The very fact that I am disappointed is evidence that the word given is probably accurate. I am still feeling disappointed, but I DO RECEIVE your instruction. It is grace and mercy speaking. I will pursue your holiness without distraction. I will, Lord, choose to receive this word as a gift from you.”

How very spiritual of me. Even though I was certain in my heart that this leader, well-intentioned as she may be, had heard wrong. Or maybe she heard right, and it was intended for another woman in polka dots. Either way, I would choose to receive it. “How incredibly mature I am, Lord. I believe that you can use this in some special way for me.”

For the next several hours, during our afternoon meal break, however, I tried to convince myself that it was, in fact, not for me. I examined her delivery. There was no scripture reference cited as her foundation, as most of the others had done. It seemed to end rather abruptly, as though there might have been more. I even went to my friend in tears and asked, “Did that sound right to you?” Being the sweet friend that she is, she said, “I just really felt like there was something missing. Something more God wanted to say that didn’t get spoken. I’m so sorry you are hurt and disappointed.” You can see why I love her so much.

So I felt a little better. I even silently forgave the messenger. “She is after all, Lord, human.” Again, maturity kicked in.

And then I rode back to the conference with my sweet daughter-in-love, Sarah, for the evening session. We talked about the service from the morning. I told her how much the word spoken over me had bothered me. I think I used the words, “really ticked off.” Oops, the maturity crown was slipping a bit. She was supportive, but seemed surprised. “Remember when we were talking yesterday about your relationship with your dad?” she asked. “How he had always loved you, supported you, and made you feel special?” Absolutely I remembered. She continued. “You said that the way your earthly dad treated you helped you see how God the Father loves you. You said it made it so easy to see Him as a loving, protective, forgiving father, and that you realize what a blessing that had been in your life.” This, from a young woman who had lost her own dad when she was only 5 years old. “Yes, Sarah. All so true.” “Did your dad ever spank you? Or have to discipline you much?” she inquired. “No……I didn’t really need it very often, but when it happened, it usually came from my mom,” I responded. “Hmmm,” she said, while twisting a section of her beautiful red hair. “Maybe you’re just not used to hearing correction from your father.”

Whoa. Didn’t see that coming either. Could it be that this lovely 20-something that I have mentored since the age of 13 was now mentoring me? In that moment she became a clear open vessel for the Holy Spirit to speak through. And she did it with love. “Just something to think about” she added softly.

God brought to mind a workshop I had attended as part of the previous day’s conference schedule. Again, a woman, young enough to be my daughter, shared from her heart. “Seek Him. Not a ministry, not a platform, but Him.” In my excitement about this scary wonderful thing, had I gotten distracted? Had I forgotten who had called me to it? Had I been seeking “to do” rather than “to be?”. To “be” His seeking child, to sit at His feet, to rest in His lap and breathe in His words? Ephesians 1:1-4. The answer, although it makes my hair hurt to admit it, was an uncomfortable, “yes.”

My Father was warning me because He loves me. The equivalent of my earthly dad’s admonishment, “Step back from the curb, Debbie! You aren’t watching for cars! Keep your eyes open and pay attention to what’s going on around you!” The sharp tone he used had startled me and made me cry. My dad wanted me to be safe, able to do all the things a 10 year old is excited about. God wants the same things. God wants me to focus on Him, to clearly make Him, and Him alone, the object of my passionate pursuit. He knows that if I do exactly that, all else will fall into place. My time spent in His presence will naturally produce the outpouring which I so desperately seek, and this “scary, wonderful thing” God has asked me to do will seem possible, empowering, and within my reach.

“What we honor produces an inheritance.” – Pastor Russell Evans, Planet Shakers Church, Australia. When we honor His Word it bears fruit. If I Honor anger and negativity, the fruit is bitterness. If I honor correction and discipline that aligns with His word, the fruit is joy and liberty. His Word never returns without producing the result that He desires:

“So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They’ll do the work I sent them to do, they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.” (Isaiah 55:11 MSG)

Isn’t that exactly what I had asked for? I had asked Him for confirmation that this was His will, and that I could do it. He did something even better! He said IF I would stay focused on Him, HE would do it. Now that’s a good word! Encouragement, exhortation extraordinaire!

A friend shared a bumper sticker recently. “The truth will set you free, but first it will tick you off.” Boy, had I been there. Sometimes, no matter how old we are, no matter how long we’ve walked with God – the truth hurts. I think it surprises us, because after all, “I’m one of the older women, wiser, more experienced.” John Maxwell was recently quoted as saying, “Age doesn’t always come with maturity. Sometimes age comes alone.”

Ouch. In other words, growing old is inevitable. Growing up is not. My understanding today has so many layers:

God will use the truth to get my attention. It’s always up to me to decide whether or not I will push past the sting and accept it. I have a choice.
God will use whomever He chooses to speak to us; even someone we think hasn’t lived long enough (or lived long enough in Him) to be His messenger.
Maturity comes not with the addition of years alone, but with a pliable, open heart to receive all that He desires to say, in whatever form that may come.

I AM special to God! Special enough that He will warn me, correct me, and discipline me in order to secure His will in my life is accomplished. What a great daddy He is!

.