Any Other Name

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By Jesi Steiber—

If ever time stood still, it was in that moment. At five years old the experience was overwhelming. The auditorium was larger than life, and as we sat in the balcony the stage seemed so very far away. But the view didn’t matter because my biggest dream at such a young age was coming true. Standing in front of my seat, I could barely see over the chairs in front of me. The excitement built as the band began to play.

After what seemed like forever, he walked across the stage. My heart leaped as he began to speak. His deep voice echoed across the convention center. It was in that moment I heard the words I’d never forget.

“And I’d like to say a very special hello to Jessica B. Dorris.”

He’d said my name. I heard him, THE Man in Black, Johnny Cash, spoke the words this five-year-old little girl would hold dear to her heart for years. From the stage in front of thousands of people in Fort Worth, Texas he spoke my name.

There have been many times I’ve questioned my identity. As I grew older my mother knew how to manipulate with words. Being adopted, it was too often thrown at me as if it were a tease to remind me of who I wasn’t. In anger she would call me by my birth name, Roxanne. She would pull out the adoption papers and remind me I didn’t really belong to anyone.

On good days she would retell my adoption story as tears filled her eyes. She would descriptively share how my Daddy picked me himself after returning from the Philippines. In this version, she would remind me I was the one who completed the family. This story was given a little less often, but it did come out once in a while.

As I began to walk with the Lord He began revealing to me who He says I am. And for me, on good days it’s easy to remember. I can easily walk in the confidence of who He says I am, instead of in pride of my own strength. Remembering to walk in this is much easier when life is going my way. When those around me encourage and lift me up. Those days when the grandchildren are doing well, my husband is happy and encouraging, my friends are around and help to lift me up and work is good I can easily walk in my true identity.

But what happens on the bad days? What happens when I get distracted, and begin to take on responsibilities in my own strength instead of the Lord’s? Or when someone else’s brokenness bleeds over on to me? What then? It is in those moments, sometimes days or longer, the memories of being the unwanted one can come flooding back. Insecurity and fear of rejection try to edge their way in to my heart. They want to remind me of the past, of who I used to believe I was.

It’s in those moments my Father orchestrates the prefect time to remind me of who I really am. It’s in the flowers from a friend to cheer me up, or the hug from someone unexpected. It’s in the encouragement from others or the Nana lovin’ from my grandchildren so freely given that I hear His voice. It’s when I am reminded to stand up and walk in my identity that God tells me I am His daughter, the one He fearfully and wonderfully made. I’m the daughter who He chose, before I was conceived. He never abandoned me. He didn’t forget me, nor did He change who I was based on my behavior.

I will never forget what it felt like when Johnny Cash spoke my name on the stage. The excitement was memorable to say the least. He didn’t know me; he only had my name from a letter written to him. At the time, the five year old me didn’t care how he knew. However, today, none of this can compare to the relationship my Father nurtures with me when He whispers my name to remind me I am His daughter.

 

 

 

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Jesi Steiber lives in Fort Worth, Texas and is our newest addition to the MPN authors. She is married to a man she describes as “awesome,” who makes her smile every day. They have four children and four grandchildren. A favorite scripture is Ruth 3:11: “Now my daughter, do not fear. I will do for you whatever you ask. For all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence.”